Teacher Andrew Says...: Sugar Shock

Help me. I’m under attack.

Fear not everyone. My body isn’t in any actual physical danger. In fact, I’m probably safer here in Taipei than I would be back home in San Jose. Sure there’s times when I’m nearly run over by the taxis and buses that refuse to stop for red lights, which they basically treat as optional suggestions rather than traffic laws. But all in all Taipei is a pretty safe place. No one seems to steal or get mugged. Bikes are left on the streets unlocked during all hours of the day. Guns are illegal here (though maybe someone should tell that to the politician’s son who was recently shot in the face?). No. The threat I’m facing now stems from a different enemy—namely, my complete lack of self control when it comes to consuming sweets. Or, as it is better known, my infamously bad sweet tooth. It’s out to get me. And while my life might not be at stake, the enamel of my teeth, my gut, my blood sugar level, and the likelihood of me developing Type 2 Diabetes later in life definitely are.

Everyone who knows me understands I have a serious affinity/addiction for sugary foods. I’m a fiend for any dessert, no matter the flavor, form, or size. I’ve been known to casually dominate a severe amount of just about any sweet sugary goodness I can get my hands and/or mouth on. I’ve dominated trays of Trader Joes Jo-Jos, fistfuls of chocolate orange sticks, large cups frozen yogurt and ice cream, third servings of cake and pumpkin pie, King sized candy bars, and pretty much everything in between. My mom still loves to bring up the story of when I was just a young little tot, and how she discovered me hiding under the table in the kitchen munching on candy I had stolen from my brother’s Halloween stash. I guess some things never change.

Before I departed for Southeast Asia, I worked under the misconception that it would be difficult to nearly impossible to find sweets over here. Therefore I decided to make sure I got my fix (and then some) of every sugary treat which I believed I would be without for the next year plus. And in Cambodia, that actually wasn’t far from the truth. Apart from the occasional convenient store with “chocolate” (in quotations because really it tasted like anything but chocolate), sweets were nowhere to be found. Instead I feasted on rice and noodles primarily, and had basically a dessert-less month (however I was able to ration the Swedish Fish my Mom so generously snuck in my suitcase for the first 2 weeks—you’re truly a saint Maureen Ghiossi).

But even if my theory on sweets was correct for Cambodia, I couldn’t have been more dead wrong on this subject when it came to living in Taiwan. Holy mother of See’s. Sweet sugary galore literally lines just about every street here in Taipei. I feel like Charlie the Unicorn as I walk around amazed at the real life equivalent of Candy Mountain; or Butters walking through GumDrop Forest in Imaginationland (you didn’t really think I would go this long without inserting another South Park reference, did you?). Pretty much any flavor or texture of sweet you might be craving is easily accessible. And surprisingly, consider the mostly petite nature of many of the locals, portions are rather generous. What’s even more dangerous? The prices are out-of-this-world dirt cheap.

sweeeet sugggarrrryyy gooooodnnesssss

ShiDa Night Market, conveniently located basically right outside my door, is especially dangerous. There are so many options here. The sheer multitude of them makes it hard to avoid the temptation to indulge. It’s like a field of landmines. You may think you have escaped danger by standing firm against the urge to stop for a chocolate sundae or frozen yogurt creation. You turn back to gloat at your victim and congratulate yourself on some serious discipline, only to turn back around and find that you’ve walked smack dab into another trap—the cream sandwich vendor. Damn! Well, now that I’m here, I might as well get one. Ehhh..the line’s pretty long. So long as I’m going to wait, I might as well get a couple. Maybe 3. Just to make the wait worth it, you know? And there it is—the battle is already lost.

What has compounded this problem even more is that I typically walk right through the heart of the ShiDa Night Market around 9:45 p.m., right when all the sweet aromas of the foods are flowing right through my nostrils. And of course at that point, I’ve spent the last 7 hours or so preparing for and teaching classes. Needless to say, the “I deserve this” mentality is pervading my every thought. When this justification combines with the sights and smells of all the delicious treats around me, I am simply too helpless to overcome the temptations. A fury of gluttony ensues.

And as if ShiDa wasn’t enough of a problem in itself, I now have to face the fact that many of my students (especially the Treehouse 8 youngsters) have started bringing me sugary treats before class. I’m not sure what prompted this, but it’s become an unstoppable trend. And who am I to refuse their oh-so-generous offerings? Even if they are no more than a bribe to treat them nicely and possibly cut them some slack on their quizzes. Of course the packaged sweets are safe, so I take them without hesitation. But my addiction is actually so bad that sometimes I contemplate taking the unpackaged sweets straight from their bare hands, aware that these are the same hands they used to wipe their nose, tackle another student, flush the toilet, and all but dip in a vat of germs before handling said treat. Luckily, this is the one time when my self-control ultimately wins. But the fact that I actually have to consider it is a bit frightening.

I’ve never before brushed my teeth and washed my mouth with such vigor and intensity. And crunches have become a new part of the daily workout routine. Something has to be done to fight back in this battle, because I’ve given up all hope that self-control and discipline is the answer. My Achilles taste buds have won again.

*I’m not going to describe any of my treat discoveries, for surely it would just make me crave some at this late hour and lead me downstairs for a late night snack. But here are a few photos to show you what I’m talking about. Oh, and honorable mentions for the YoFro Chocolate Dream creation, cream sandwiches, and the cinnamon bun with cream—all of which I am yet to photograph. But don’t worry, you’ll see them eventually. It’s only a matter of time before I give in once more…